Observer Bias

Ups and Downs

2012-02-07T11:51:00.000-05:00

Ha, just when I was feeling so good about myself, about life, and about my positive attitude, stuff happens to harsh my mellow. A baby that had been sleeping through the night from 6 weeks old, now at 4 months, is up several times a night. Yes, yes, go ahead and laugh, all of you who want parenting to be difficult and want to say "I told you it wouldn't last." Last night it was every hour or even every half hour. I knew that things would change as she reaches different developmental milestones, and was trying to appreciate each full night's sleep, knowing it could and would change. And here we are. After a month away on the West Coast, her sleep routine has been totally shot. I was asked by a helpful relative "When she wakes up do you reward her with the breast?" Um, yes. Because why would I let her cry, let her get distraught and awake when I can easily calm her in minutes by nursing her. Because she is a baby and nursing isn't a reward, it is an innate need for food and for comfort and there is nothing wrong with that. But thank you, thank you for undermining my confidence in my ability to mother my child by following her lead and my intuition.

Life feels harder to deal with when one hasn't slept well. The roof of our house was just replaced, and an enclosed sun porch was re-framed, insulated, and drywalled. Our cat is at the vet with some kind of intestinal blockage, possibly needing expensive surgery. I feel anxious about money, but how can we refuse treatment for our cat after spending thousands on our house? We won't. It feels like a drop in the bucket, but it's not, it adds up and feels overwhelming. I fret about the ethics of spending money on saving a cat when there are babies and children out there who need help, but would our money be donated to Red Cross or Unicef or something if we didn't have this cat emergency? Well, no. And I also just think, I am so privileged to even be in this position: home owner fixing up our house, owning and being able to care for an animal, etc. It's these kind of feelings that are so unproductive... stress about life and then feeling guilty about my stress because ultimately I'm so much better off than most of the world. I know it's all relative, but it really is bourgeois suffering when there are women out there dying in child birth, women unable to feed their children and I am stressed about a sick cat or the expense of a new roof.

Anyway, it's hard to feel clearheaded when you haven't slept well, and you're unshowered and there's a man upstairs hammering away at your walls. So, this post is less positive, less constructive. I'm not thinking about what creative outlet I should tap today, I'm just thinking about getting through the day.

Productivity

2012-02-02T19:03:00.000-05:00

I have been feeling so good lately, about life, about being a mother, about how lucky and privileged I am (I have a sweet baby, I have a supportive husband who is also home on parental leave, I live in this lovely house, I have many wonderful people in my life, I'm highly educated, I am healthy and so are the people I love, etc. ), but I have not been doing much for myself lately, and I worry that it is going to catch up with me.

Working on this blog is one thing I am trying to commit to. I spent a satisfying hour or two tidying and organizing my desk yesterday and I pulled out a bunch of art supplies, and a little sketch book that a friend and I have been mailing back and forth to each other and doing art and writing in. I've got a bunch of jewellery-making supplies. I've got a great camera. I've got knitting needles and wool. I've got some nice notebooks. Some watercolour paints. I've got an itch to do something creative. I figure I should just dedicate time to doing something, anything. I could totally spare an hour a day if I wanted to.

Part of the problem though, of reading so many fantastic blogs, is that rather than being inspired, I get all self-defeatist. Last night I found myself talking to L, after flipping through a Canadian magazine of short stories and poetry: "I'm surprised you have it in you to keep writing short stories when there's so many out there that no one is reading." (What a jerk I am, eh? I wasn't actually meaning to be so mean and bitter sounding, I actually am impressed at his discipline and dedication and creative output....)

I said, "That's what I feel like when I think of being creative: just what the world needs, another mommy blogger; just what the world needs, another necklace; just what the world needs, another crappy drawing in a sketchbook, another photograph of a snowy tree..." etc. etc. I mean if I continued with that thought I could think "Just what the world needs, another baby...." and I certainly don't feel that way. What I need to remind myself of is that I am not doing it for the world, I am doing it for myself. I don't have to do anything with it. The act of doing it (whatever it is), should be enough.

And part of my thinking around this is also that I want V, my daughter, to grow up with a mother who does things. With a mother who is devoted to her but also devoted to creative and intellectual pursuits. I want her to see and know that I am not just a mother but a person who does things outside of mothering her.

Anyway, I'm trying to not be self-defeatist. It's just a pattern I've had for many years now, and one I should wash my hands of. It's not a useful perspective at all. So, perhaps along with my commitment to blogging, I will commit to making something every week. Maybe I will even post my progress towards that on here, kill two birds with one stone...

Thoughts on this blog, on motherhood, etc.

2012-01-31T09:32:00.000-05:00

It almost seems silly to write here again. It's been so long I contemplated just scrapping this blog and starting anew. But, no, I will try to stick with it.

Here I am, 4 months into motherhood. As usual, my grandfather's adage: "Most of the things you worry about don't happen", has proven once again to be true. My fears that I would have difficulty with being a mother have not come true. I am enjoying motherhood more than I ever would have thought possible. I prepared myself for the worst: I worried about post-partum depression (since I was indeed depressed for much of my pregnancy), I worried about not attaching to my baby, I worried about having trouble breast feeding, I worried about being traumatized by a scary or painful birth experience, I worried about feeling tied to my baby and trapped, I worried that since my pregnancy was emotionally and physically difficult I would resent my baby. I worried about pretty much anything I could.

So it came as a surprise when so much about mothering came "naturally" to me. I had a "natural" or drug-free home birth. I have followed my intuition and my baby's lead and everything has felt fairly easy, again, almost "natural". The thing is, I pause as I write these words. I feel like saying all this will make it more difficult for those who are having a hard time. Of course, I know that this isn't everyone's experience, it might not even be mine second time around. There is so much out there online about motherhood. So much pressure, so much noise. I read much of it when pregnant and continue to read it: blogs about birth, about pregnancy, about feeding babies, vaccinating (or not), co-sleeping, etc. But I have been trying to fill my brain with more material that is critical of the noise and the expectations. I see why there is so much material, since becoming a mother I too am fascinated by the intensity of this emotional, intellectual, and physical experience.

Spending time at home with baby V, I feel conflicted about how I am spending my time. Is it enough to just hang out with a baby all day? I feel like I need something, another project? As though having a baby isn't enough of a project? There is so much pressure online too, to be productive, to be creative.... I read all kinds of blogs where women are super creative, earning an income making art, being mothers, planning blog-worthy birthday parties for their children, buying/making exquisite toys and clothing for their babies etc. More pressure, more expectations.

I am loving being a mother but also recognize that I need to maintain interests outside of my baby. I need my daughter to grow up seeing a mother who is engaged with the world, who is a person outside of being a mother. So, for now, this blog is going to be about exploring what that looks like for me, as well as what being a parent is. I know, the world doesn't need another "mommy blog", and that's not what I intend this to be.... I am not sure what I intend it to be, but I do want to use it as an outlet for examining some of the many thoughts about this experience.

House

2011-05-30T17:35:00.000-04:00

These are the before and after photos of our bedroom. Another yellow room painted grey, you're going to say. What can I say? I like it. It's calming and is a good background for art.

The first photos are the real estate photos with the old owner's stuff.... is that creepy? I forgot to take "before" photos.

The photos of the ocean were taken by L and I when we were on the north coast of California. They make me very happy, and were super affordably enlarged and framed thanks to Apple's photo developing and a cheap framing place nearby.

I'm pretty happy with our room, it's a very calm place, and I'm trying to keep it uncluttered. I feel like good sleeps happen without the distractions of clutter and everyday detritus. I'm also looking forward to hopefully bringing our baby into the world in this room.

A lot has happened in the past 6 months....

2011-05-24T22:20:00.000-04:00

... the cherry blossoms are finally out, and have been drifting off the trees for the last few weeks.

.... I've switched jobs, to one I love and feel is a great fit for me and my values about life. We've been slowly making some minor changes to the house. Getting things ready in part because I'm pregnant! Due in 4 months. Very excited but also a little terrified and feeling many emotions that I wasn't prepared for.

I'm going to try and update more regularly. The blog hiatus was in part because the first months of pregnancy had me sleeping any time I wasn't eating or at work. I'm feeling better. It's spring and I've been getting outside more, enjoying mucking about in our tiny garden.

I'm going to do my best to post more often, and will try not to make this blog become solely a mommy blog. That said, I've been wanting a venue to share my concerns and feelings about pregnancy and becoming a parent. I also want this blog to be a space where I can come to focus on the positive things in my life. I will try to make it both.

New House

2010-12-13T18:59:00.000-05:00

It's been really too long since I've posted. Well over a month. Anyway, lots has happened. New job, and new house. And you can bet that I'm resolving to be a better blogger in the new year. I really enjoy it actually, it's mostly just a block to a) take photos more regularly, and b) to actually transfer those photos to my computer.

We moved in just over three weeks ago and it's been delightful. Well, mostly. The house is so big compared to our 640 sqft condo. We are definitely short on furniture, but we'll slowly acquire the stuff we need. Why is Toronto craigslist so boring? I see so much more awesome stuff elsewhere... anyway, I'll be keeping my thrifting eye out for furniture, which will be fun, since the last few years have seen us at capacity with no room for new furniture.

One exciting piece in process is a 7 foot long dining table made out of reclaimed Douglas Fir which our friend is building for us. Photos will follow soon.

I will show you a little peek at some progress. The colours in the house are considerably brighter then I would normally choose myself. Especially since the "colours" I would normally choose are grey and white. Ha.

Anyway, here's a before and after of our little front living room. Obviously it's done up a little Christmas-style, but you get the idea.

Party Time

2010-11-02T17:49:00.000-04:00

Confetti System kills me. I mean seriously. Makes me want to plan many parties and attempt to create such awesome decorations.

Makes me wish that the greatest store Toronto has ever seen hasn't closed. RIP Balloon King. Hmm, I see that they are having a warehouse sale to get rid of the last of their stuff. Hmmm. Perhaps, now that I have a basement, and thus storage, I should stock up on decorations? That may sound like the musings of a crazy person, but I'm serious.

I leave you with these glorious and ridiculous Balloon King decorations that we used instead of table numbers at our wedding.

I should be packing. Or applying for a job. But here I am blogging about party decorations. This probably surprises no one who knows me.

Monday, November 1st

2010-11-01T15:54:00.000-04:00

This weekend I made these cookies. Damn they were good. Like all cookies, they were best straight out of the oven, warm and gooey and crispy on the edges. I took them to a friend's house and we played the card game Euchre. I love playing games.

I was reading the blog written by the owner of the store Bookhou, and saw these amazing bronze cast whales. Seriously, so beautiful. Whales are so incredible. There is an amazing article written by Charles Siebert about whales here. Siebert has a gift for writing about animals, he has also written a few other pieces for the NYT Magazine about animals, one is about elephants, and the other is about abuse and dogs. He interprets research about animals so well, and demonstrates some very human characteristics of animals without anthropomorphizing. His article about whales brought tears to my eyes.

Anyway, I am keeping on keeping on, what with the packing, the job applications, etc. And thinking a lot about the house and what I want to do when we move in. I am thinking about attempting to construct something like this or this on either side of our fireplace in the living room.

Downer

2010-10-22T12:18:00.000-04:00

I'm feeling pretty down today. Don't know why, the sun is shining, the leaves are beautiful, and life is pretty good.

I'm just feeling depressed about my job search: 75 jobs applied for, and counting... I thought grad school would really open up possibilities to me. I feel like I have so much to offer and yet I can't even get an interview to convince anyone of how awesome I am.

I went for a drive to run some errands and thought about how much I miss my family.

Thought about how hard it is maintaing relationships with my many siblings, and mostly how much I wish I could help out, or just be there, especially with some seriously difficult stuff going on. I also miss being there for the normal day-to-day stuff. Sunday dinner, casual hang-outs, Fall walks, etc. Some times living across the country is harder than other times, when it doesn't feel as challenging. Sometimes life just feels hard, even though I know that it is so very much harder for most people in the world. Maybe I just mean that it feels emotionally difficult.

Packing

2010-10-18T21:33:00.000-04:00

Wow. We have a lot of stuff. An overwhelming amount of books. What you see here is a fraction of what we have. Started packing today, these are the before photos, but I've barely made a dent.

Hopefully when we move, that hideous gold? brown? chair can be hidden away somewhere (or accidentally left on a curb?) And why are TV's so hideous? Glad that we will be able to have the TV somewhere that isn't our main living space.

Started doing yoga again and have been going regularly (for less than a week, but it's a start). I feel like it will be good to have some kind of physical outlet for the stress that will be the moving and packing process.

Antiquing

2010-10-17T11:29:00.001-04:00

Some lovely lady friends and I embarked on a delightful day trip out into the countryside for some antiquing here. The drive was gorgeous. Wish I had taken some photos of the beautiful fall colours.

I didn't buy much, just that little wooden Czechoslovakian soldier on the left up there, which caught my eye right when I first walked in and after perusing the rest of the store I had to go back and get it. I should have maybe bought that tube of bricks. My grandparents had those bricks at their house, and when I was growing up we would often play with them, I am sure they belonged to my father and his siblings way back, but it's weird to see stuff at an antique store that was part of your history.

I also bought a hand-coloured engraving of a strange-looking bull. Even though our walls are currently covered in art and we have a back log of more stuff to put up, we'll be moving soon and there'll be fresh walls galore.

The market is in an old mill and is giant, I could spend even more hours in there than we did. We followed up our shopping with cider and fish and chips in a nearby pub. Quite a pleasant day (until hitting terrible traffic upon our return to the city, but I won't dwell on that)

Holidays

2010-10-15T21:54:00.000-04:00

L's mum rented an amazing 200 year old house on Lake Erie. The weekend was beautiful, almost warm enough for swimming. We gorged ourselves on the usual Thanksgiving food and played many, MANY rounds of this awesome game. And also many rounds of Euchre and Hearts. Playing games and lounging around is maybe the best time. Good food, good wine, and good people makes for good times. I feel very lucky to have such fun family in-laws to hang around with. My only wish while we were away was that my parents and 15 siblings, and their partners, and my nephews and niece could have also been there and not 3000 miles away. But, then things would have been a little less relaxing, I suppose, gotta look at the bright side.

Home?

2010-10-03T21:02:00.000-04:00

We are tentatively, conditionally, owners of this house! Very exciting! We are awaiting a home inspection and then, in November, if all goes well, we will live there. Amazing. Feeling very grown-up.... marriage, and now home ownership! Embarrassingly grown-up.

Am thinking of making this blog less anonymous, ie: actually posting photos that might include myself in them. Just not sure how I feel about being fully "out" online. What do others think about this? I am assuming most people reading this already know me in real life anyway... does it make any difference?

Life

2010-09-28T15:54:00.000-04:00

L and I have decided to start looking for a bigger place to live. This is exciting, our current abode is jam packed with books and the detritus of two pack rats. I am looking forward to more space, more storage, and perhaps a new neighbourhood to get to know.

This is in the midst of my job search. In a way it is good to have something else to focus on. I have been applying for oodles of jobs (45 in the last few weeks) and have received no responses. It's a little disheartening, especially since I feel that I have so much to offer. It's deflating, after finishing my MA, handing in my thesis, and feeling quite educated and qualified, to find out maybe I am not. I have also heard that some of the jobs I have applied for have received over 1000 resumés.: how can I compete in a job market like that? It's hard not to feel down about this, but I know that things will work out.

Wedding

2010-09-07T21:25:00.000-04:00

It happened two months ago now, but I haven't posted any photos, so here are a few. We had awesome photographers and they captured the day just perfectly.

I don't want to get all sappy here, but it really was an amazing and special day. I loved that most of my family was there to share it, and it just felt really "us"... and not some magazine version of a wedding (although, funnily enough, our wedding is now going to be featured in this magazine).

I wore my mother's dress which was also my grandmother's dress--took a lot of the wedding outfit pressure off knowing I had something meaningful to me and not some thousand dollar strapless, pouffy dress completely unsuited for my 5"2 body. Anyway, yes, it was fabulous and while I never thought getting married was all that important, I am really, really glad we did it.

It's been a while....

2010-09-06T10:37:00.000-04:00

......

Here's why:
I finally finished my thesis! It feels amazing to be done something I have been working towards for the past 2 years. But then I sort of feel like now what? It's sort of anti-climactic.

I have a back-log of photos to post since we got a new camera this summer, but I will start by posting a few photos from my delightful long weekend. L and I and a friend went hiking and there was a cornucopia of different fungi. Very cool, and very fun to spy through the forest. I feel lucky to be able to get out of the city and into the woods like this.

Celebrating

2010-07-26T19:20:00.000-04:00

Man, it's been a whirlwind few weeks since I last posted. Well, a month really. In that time we have helped two sets of friends celebrate their weddings and also celebrated our own. We also hosted many members of my family for almost three weeks. It was amazing. And exhausting.

Our wedding was everything I could have hoped. It was so happy, beautiful, memorable, and I barely have words for it now. We are heading to San Francisco tomorrow morning, for a glorious two-week long honeymoon. I am excited. I think it will be nice to have a bit of time to reflect on the past few weeks. It will also be a nice lull before life gets crazy again: finishing my thesis and job-hunting are on the agenda after we get back. Life is full-FULL.

Cat love

2010-06-25T13:22:00.000-04:00

The black one is so mean and nasty usually, he often attacks the white one who is so lovely she responds by licking and grooming him. I came home from errands today to see them sweetly sharing the cat bed.

Many wedding preparations happening. I don't want to make this blog into a wedding blog, but seriously, there are just so many little things to get done. It's fine though. Things are under control. I picked up my wedding dress (which was my mother's, and grandmother's) from the cleaners today and it took my breath away. It looks beautiful, brighter, less musty smelling and they got many of the little stains out, the ones that remain are just there and that's life and nobody better say anything to me about them.

This is not a bad time right now, not at all. Things are happening and will be happening for a while, it's a busy summer. And then I have to get a job, yikes!

Busy times

2010-06-22T10:12:00.001-04:00

Very busy these days. Not to get to girly and wedding-y, but with less than three weeks until the big day there is lots to do. These photos were taken at city hall, from when I went to go get our marriage license. Crazy. Our home is in the bottom photo. City Hall is a super cool, futuristic looking building, the kind of 1960's view of the future. It was designed by Finnish architect Viljo Revell and I love it. I had never had a chance to go inside, so it was kind of a delight to have some business to take care of in there.

I haven't got much writing work done lately but I am not feeling too bad about that. I knew this was going to happen, and really, I think I am mostly done anyway. Just need to write a conclusion and that will be better done after feedback from my supervisor.

Life is pretty good these days. Busy, but there is an end in sight and that end will be an awesome party. Very excited.

We've decided to go to San Francisco a few weeks after the wedding. We are going for two weeks and also want to hit up a beachy town too so any suggestions are much appreciated.

Stuff

2010-06-14T18:43:00.000-04:00

I felt compelled to update this mostly unread by anyone blog. Life has been busy in good ways: an awesome week-long visit from my mum who helped me with wedding preparations and attended my bridal shower, we had a super nice time. With all my many siblings it was probably the first time since I was three years old that I didn't have to share her with anyone. It was awesome. In addition to the wedding work, we spa-ed, we beached, we ate out, we shopped, we sampled many wines, and strolled around the city.

In the meantime, our car was written off because of the incident with the deer. We bought a new one this weekend, what a weird thing that is, dealing with used car salesmen.

No photos, I really need to get a new camera, my point and shoot is crap and the rechargeable batteries die within hours of being charged.

Islanding

2010-06-02T16:19:00.001-04:00

This past Friday night (date night!) L and I decided spontaneously to go to Toronto Island for a picnic. I packed a quick dinner and we rode our bikes down to the ferry terminal. After the short boat ride we rode our bikes around the island, stopping for a quick swim, and had a delightful picnic. We also rode our bikes on the paths that surround the houses on the island. The houses there are so magical, no roads, just a path, and cats everywhere. The houses are sweet little cottages, so beautiful. I would love to live there, although I am sure the winters would get dreary, and bringing groceries home would be a huge job. I bet, however, that the pluses outweigh the minuses.

It was such lovely evening and we talked of making it a summer Friday date night ritual. It's easy to forget how putting a little effort in to do something can be so rewarding. Geez, because I am working at home writing, I could go for days without leaving the house.... yikes.

I've been getting a lot of use out of my newly fixed-up $15 bike. I love it, and it's very fast. And it was fun to ride around the island without the threat of cars.

Cottage

2010-05-18T17:55:00.000-04:00

Went to a friend's cottage this weekend. It was lovely, lovely. See the photos above. I am trying to focus on the positive, because the negative was pretty negative.

I was driving up on Friday night along the dark, dark highway, and I hit a deer with the car. Luckily, no one was hurt (except of course the deer), and luckily the car wasn't damaged too badly. Nonetheless, it was extremely traumatizing. I have a brother who was injured, and, well, brain damaged after being hit by a car, so needless to say, the first thing I thought of when I felt that dull thud of the deer, was my brother. Very sad. So while I feel bad about the deer, I am thankful that no person was hurt.

It's weird to think that things like this can just happen. It shakes you up to realize how very little control you have in the universe. And that a deer can jump out of the woods in a split second, and that your car can be coming across that path in that moment. It was truly an accident: something that I could not have prevented or anticipated. I think I responded as best I could (swerving, braking, etc.), but that is the most you can hope for in these situations.

Anyway, I tried to stop playing the accident over and over in my brain, and the cottage really was great. Lovely spring weather (I even attempted to swim but it was a little too cold for that). We canoed, and lounged, and played cards. And I love the aesthetic of cottages. So many random, charming knick-knacks and cool old furniture.

Struggling

2010-05-11T14:17:00.000-04:00

I am really struggling with some of what I need to talk about in my writing. Struggling with ideas I am not totally comfortable with. Topics I need to touch on that make me feel uneasy and concerned about representing the people who so generously have shared their stories with me.

There's a book I ordered from the library "The Vulnerable Observer: Anthropology that Breaks Your Heart." That's how I feel right now. Not necessarily about the research I have done but about some of the ideas I am talking about. Not knowing where I stand on an issue makes it difficult to write about, yet I avoid examining my feelings. I think this is why sometimes I stall in my writing--not knowing where I stand I simply avoid writing about something--this is not productive. I need to face these ideas even if it makes me uncomfortable and feel somewhat physically queasy. I have often preferred to straddle a fence on a topic, I don't like this about myself but it helps to avoid arguments.

Sometimes I wish I was a cat...

2010-05-10T15:14:00.000-04:00

...so mindless and lazy.

Had a lovely, long skype video chat with my friend C who is in Finland. Ahh, the magic of the internet, so wonderful. Would I ever have thought that face to face phone calls would have been possible or were just the made of world of science fiction? I don't know.

Work is progressing at a slow pace, slower than I should be working. But still, I am happy with things, I am hoping the editing stage won't be too crazy, that I am doing all the work now....

Wondering what this blog is really for, or who. What am I even saying on here? Not much of anything.

Listening to: Explosions in the Sky

A photo

2010-05-09T19:36:00.000-04:00

A photo from the baptismal font in Salisbury Cathedral. I thought it was so beautiful when we were there last summer. Thinking about where to go this summer for a "honeymoon".... many possibilities, and no decisions yet.

Friends for dinner last night, which was lovely. I can't wait to have a bigger space to have more people over at a time, and to actually all be able to sit down at a table together. I really enjoy cooking for people. It's a great thing, I think, to share food with people.

Happy Mother's Day to all the mum's out there. It's lovely and sunny here though cold. My Mum is across the country and was swimming in the ocean yesterday. Wish I could be with her today for many reasons, some selfish.

Boston

2010-05-04T16:35:00.000-04:00

Well, it was all fine. I met some good people and heard some good papers which are already proving to be fruitful to my writing and thinking. Good work. Even though I consider myself an extrovert, man is it tiring and intimidating to be "on" for so much time and talk to so many people I don't know. Geesh. But ultimately I am very glad to have gone.

But, home now and it is lovely. LOVE Toronto. Writing is going well and I am happy. I feel like it was a few months ago that I really started choosing to be happy and content with my life. My own cognitive behavioural therapy and it really worked. Now I think "How could I not be content with my life and where I am at?" I have gotten better about not having an immediate negative response to things, and thinking through my responses to life. And I am happy, it's nice to have made these discoveries about myself and life. Okay, enough psychologizing. In other news, I made another big batch of homemade BBQ sauce (for tofu) and it is delish. Hungry for dinner already.

Adrift

2010-04-28T15:24:00.000-04:00

Feeling tired and overwhelmed about going out of town for a few days. Nervous about my presentation. Nervous about exploring a new city alone. But I know it will be good, and if for some reason it's not, well, I'll be home sooner than I think. I can think of a time when unknowns were exciting to me but a lot has changed about my life and about who I am since I felt that way.

Brunch

2010-04-26T14:57:00.000-04:00

I am so lucky to have amazing friends and to be able to go out and eat amazing food with them. This weekend we brunched at Calico. Good times.

Last week

2010-04-25T17:54:00.000-04:00

Last Sunday I went out of town and visited my aunt for a few days. She has a beautiful old house near the lake. The kind of old house I loved as a kid (still love) it is so very grand inside. And the lake was so beautiful, and no one down there. It was lovely.

Later this week I am heading to Boston for a conference. I am a little nervous about going somewhere new all alone, but it should be fun, and hopefully the conference will be informative and inspiring too.

Time feels like it is moving awfully quickly these days.

Stumped

2010-04-16T15:13:00.000-04:00

I am feeling a little stumped on the writing end of things these days. I have been working hard: reading, gathering more materials, taking notes, organizing what I've written so far, preparing conference papers, etc. But not writing. And I have so much to say, and so much material to say it with. But I just can't seem to bring myself to write these past few weeks. I feel overwhelmed with all my notes and books and articles and transcripts. I am not sure where to begin (again). I know that once I start it will be easy to keep the momentum up for a while, I just need to start. Instead: all manner of procrastination.

Thrifting

2010-04-13T20:12:00.000-04:00

Today was meant to be spent at a giant warehouse of an antique store in a wee little town north of the city. Sadly, when my future mother-in-law and I arrived we discovered it was closed on Mondays and Tuesdays. This ended up being perhaps for the best: we ended up going back into her town, where we had amazing luck at various thrift stores and antique stores.

A total steal was the large collection of bottles I have been looking for (to be used for wedding flowers-along with the old mason jars I bought this weekend). I found a collection of beer mugs with birds on them, a set of Pierre Cardin glasses (similar to these!!), cute hand painted plates, a couple of gorgeous vases, a 60's chip & dip set, and that Hermes scarf-still in the box. Total for all my purchases: $55. Indeed, a day well spent.

Monday

2010-04-12T12:47:00.000-04:00

Ahh, nice weekend, busy but satisfying. We had a surprise party for a family friend and she was indeed surprised and it was amazing. We brought her a gorgeous flower arrangement in an old mason jar done by Coriander Girl. I meant to take a photo before we went but was too frazzled and rushed: we packed a lot in on Saturday. I am so excited that she is doing the wedding flowers.

Today I had a delightful brunch with a good friend at Saving Grace, where this hilarious celebrity was eating beside us. A little distracting. Now, I need to get to work on a conference paper that has had to be condensed to the point that I have no idea if I am even saying anything at all. Hard not to wonder what the point of the time and expense of traveling to Boston is, but I am trying to think positively that I will make some good connections and hopefully be inspired by some of the presentations.

Busy

2010-04-08T21:43:00.000-04:00

Been busy writing and getting ready for a presentation I had today. Thankfully that is over, it always feels good to get something like that done. A relief that it went smoothly, and I got good feedback about my research. A bunch of errands to get done afterwards walking all over the city with L and I am completely exhausted. Now he's at band practice. It's kind of crazy how different our energy levels are.

Thinking

2010-04-07T16:57:00.000-04:00

Getting a lot of work done today, but now it's 5pm and I am ready to be done, although for some reason I feel like I should keep working. This is the problem of being a student (or working from home in general I suppose), you feel like you could always be working, or that you always should be working. I feel alternately like I have accomplished so much on the thesis and then that I have accomplished so little. Sometimes I feel both at once.

Had a wonderful video chat with some far away family last night and it was just so nice. Then today I ate my sandwich lunch while having a video chat with a far away good friend. Family on the Pacific and my friend on the Atlantic and me landlocked in between. I love modern technology. Except I wonder how confusing it is for my two-year-old nephew who sometimes asks me to "get out of the computer" or tries to pass me his toys and snacks through the screen.

Long Weekend

2010-04-06T15:53:00.000-04:00

A fabulous long weekend. Just the right amount of busy and relaxing times: felt productive and rested. These photos don't show it very well, but the weather was phenomenal. Yesterday we watched the outdoor thermometer climb to 32 degrees celsius. It was beautiful. The park on Saturday was fuller than I have ever seen it except for big events. It felt like the whole city was outside.

I love these two new stores side by side each other on Queen west. Art History has a strange and interesting assortment of old timey things alongside small art editions and magazines. The Melissa has a carefully and adorably curated collection of old timey things.

Today I got started early as I wanted to prepare more for a presentation I am doing on Thursday which I was having silly nightmares about. I have to remind myself I actually enjoy sharing my research with an audience.

2010-04-01T17:44:00.000-04:00

The giant library made to look like a peacock. There is the peacock's head. The weather is simply delightful these days, supposed to get up to 25 celsius this weekend. What a beautiful long weekend it will be. Mind you, I really should be working. This week has been less than productive. Really need to get some writing done, but it seems like every day there has been something distracting. Today I had lunch and a "crafternoon" with a good friend. Lunch on her roof-top terrace was lovely. Then we crafted: aside from getting crazy glue all over my fingertips, I finished making a peacock feather hairpiece. Fun times. Anyway, I need to stop living this charmed life and put my nose to the grindstone. Not that writing is all that terrible or hard anyway.

Something to do

2010-03-25T22:24:00.000-04:00

I have been trying to do more with my time. I have been spending many of my evenings recently doing a little painting or collaging. I am working on starting another mail-art book with a friend of mine. Already have a second one going with my friend D in the U.K. This one is to send to my friend on the west coast. I find it is a nice activity to do and when there is someone else holding me a little accountable it feels like I have an audience for it and it makes me want to get stuff done, and do a nice job. Part of why sometimes I feel like not making art/crafts is because I feel like, Why? What for? But it is for me, that should be reason enough, because it feels good to make something.

I am lucky enough to have a fairly easy life right now, and while I am in a time of transition, and that side of things is stressful, I really want to do things I enjoy in this time, to live in the moment (as they say), to appreciate where I am at, right now.

Sunshine

2010-03-19T16:44:00.001-04:00

Beautiful weather, unseasonably warm. It's supposed to snow in a few days but right now it's 19 degrees. The grass is still dead from winter and up close is covered in cigarette butts. Kind of gross but I just sat and soaked up the sun, waiting in the park this morning for my friend and her baby to come and meet me for coffee. Perfect coffee date that turned into a lunch date. A leisurely day that I feel a little guilty for, but know that I shouldn't. Bought some tulips for my new vase, quite delightful.

Blood, sweat, and ink

2010-03-18T14:51:00.000-04:00

I was knocked out with my second cold of the year, hence my absence. I am feeling better now though and enjoying the sun streaming through the wide-open windows. It's 18 degrees! Amazing. Spring (is it Spring?) feels so glorious after winter here. On the west coast I didn't notice the seasons as much as I do here. I became obsessed with checking the weather every morning after moving to a wintery climate... it's important to know what the wind chill is, or conversely, in the summer, it's important to know how humid it will be. Well, important to me anyway.

So, as promised, I am posting some of the fruits of our labours in the printing room. The chief librarian has asked us create a set of cards for the library, so we have been printing book and printing related cards. It's pretty fun since we've been given most of the creative control, and he's pretty willing to go with most of our design ideas.

Above is a proof, below are some finished products.

Paper white sky

2010-03-12T12:36:00.000-05:00

I love this new teapot so much, L's mum gave it to me for Xmas after I saw it when we were antiquing together. I haven't used it yet. And the orchids are in full bloom endlessly, it is amazing how well L takes care of them. Today is grey and almost a little rainy. Is it spring yet or what?

Working a little on a conference presentation of my research. It helps to take a step back and condense my work down to an easily explainable amount. I am finding it difficult to work this week though in general. I procrastinate so much. Like here I am.

I got a haircut from a new girl yesterday and I don't think I like it. It's why I don't like going to someone, and would rather get someone I know, even if they aren't trained--at least they know me and my style.

Printing on the Jobber

2010-03-11T10:25:00.000-05:00

I spent yesterday setting type and printing some cards. It's a two colour job and I will be doing the second colour next week, so no reveal until then.

I really enjoy the one day a week printing, it is a nice, constructive way to spend a day. When I am writing and researching it often doesn't feel like I've gotten a lot of work done. When I am printing there is tangible evidence of my work, both in the results, and the mess I make.

Although I have to say that there were some really annoying problems getting the forme locked up and getting everything to print evenly. I was printing both the back and front of the card on one run, which, I realized, I have never done before. Now that it is set up that way, the next 3 cards in our series will be that much easier to print. Fewer runs through the press. But man, it was annoying getting things set up right.

I would maybe be able to get some printing workshops going for people who want to learn a bit about letterpress printing, and get their hands dirty--the chief librarian is interested in this--but I think I have to pass that job onto a colleague, sadly, since I will need to find a "real job" this summer/fall.

I kind of wish that this could be a full time job... printing, teaching people to print? But then, I have spent 7 years in school, so I feel like I should follow that through.

Either way, it is nice to have a creative outlet.

Beginning

2010-03-09T15:05:00.000-05:00

I am not entirely sure about this. Could prove to be too much of a distraction, but I think I want to do this. I read many blogs with so many pretty pictures, and it is a nice distraction. Drinking coffee today made in the new espresso machine.