Struggling

I am really struggling with some of what I need to talk about in my writing. Struggling with ideas I am not totally comfortable with. Topics I need to touch on that make me feel uneasy and concerned about representing the people who so generously have shared their stories with me.

There's a book I ordered from the library "The Vulnerable Observer: Anthropology that Breaks Your Heart." That's how I feel right now. Not necessarily about the research I have done but about some of the ideas I am talking about. Not knowing where I stand on an issue makes it difficult to write about, yet I avoid examining my feelings. I think this is why sometimes I stall in my writing--not knowing where I stand I simply avoid writing about something--this is not productive. I need to face these ideas even if it makes me uncomfortable and feel somewhat physically queasy. I have often preferred to straddle a fence on a topic, I don't like this about myself but it helps to avoid arguments.

Sometimes I wish I was a cat...

...so mindless and lazy.

Had a lovely, long skype video chat with my friend C who is in Finland. Ahh, the magic of the internet, so wonderful. Would I ever have thought that face to face phone calls would have been possible or were just the made of world of science fiction? I don't know.

Work is progressing at a slow pace, slower than I should be working. But still, I am happy with things, I am hoping the editing stage won't be too crazy, that I am doing all the work now....

Wondering what this blog is really for, or who. What am I even saying on here? Not much of anything.

Listening to: Explosions in the Sky

A photo

A photo from the baptismal font in Salisbury Cathedral. I thought it was so beautiful when we were there last summer. Thinking about where to go this summer for a "honeymoon".... many possibilities, and no decisions yet.

Friends for dinner last night, which was lovely. I can't wait to have a bigger space to have more people over at a time, and to actually all be able to sit down at a table together. I really enjoy cooking for people. It's a great thing, I think, to share food with people.

Happy Mother's Day to all the mum's out there. It's lovely and sunny here though cold. My Mum is across the country and was swimming in the ocean yesterday. Wish I could be with her today for many reasons, some selfish.

Boston

Well, it was all fine. I met some good people and heard some good papers which are already proving to be fruitful to my writing and thinking. Good work. Even though I consider myself an extrovert, man is it tiring and intimidating to be "on" for so much time and talk to so many people I don't know. Geesh. But ultimately I am very glad to have gone.

But, home now and it is lovely. LOVE Toronto. Writing is going well and I am happy. I feel like it was a few months ago that I really started choosing to be happy and content with my life. My own cognitive behavioural therapy and it really worked. Now I think "How could I not be content with my life and where I am at?" I have gotten better about not having an immediate negative response to things, and thinking through my responses to life. And I am happy, it's nice to have made these discoveries about myself and life. Okay, enough psychologizing. In other news, I made another big batch of homemade BBQ sauce (for tofu) and it is delish. Hungry for dinner already.

Adrift

Feeling tired and overwhelmed about going out of town for a few days. Nervous about my presentation. Nervous about exploring a new city alone. But I know it will be good, and if for some reason it's not, well, I'll be home sooner than I think. I can think of a time when unknowns were exciting to me but a lot has changed about my life and about who I am since I felt that way.

Brunch

I am so lucky to have amazing friends and to be able to go out and eat amazing food with them. This weekend we brunched at Calico. Good times.

Last week

Last Sunday I went out of town and visited my aunt for a few days. She has a beautiful old house near the lake. The kind of old house I loved as a kid (still love) it is so very grand inside. And the lake was so beautiful, and no one down there. It was lovely.

Later this week I am heading to Boston for a conference. I am a little nervous about going somewhere new all alone, but it should be fun, and hopefully the conference will be informative and inspiring too.

Time feels like it is moving awfully quickly these days.