I am back here, blogging into the void, questioning what this is, what I want it to be, and if I even want people to read it. I don't post links to my updates on my facebook page, as some blogging friends of mine do. I initially started blogging as a way to be a participant in the blogging world, so that I wouldn't just be a passive observer, but could join in. But I have often been too unsure of this space to share it with people, preferring to do it more for myself, then wondering why I bother hitting publish if it's only for me.
I started out, admiring one of the first blogs I started reading http://inmanteli.blogspot.com/, and wanting my blog to be similar... simple, a few photos, relatively anonymous, a visual diary that gives glimpses of everyday life without too much personal details. But as much as I enjoy reading that blog, I couldn't really adhere to that format. It wasn't satisfying enough for me. Let's face it, in reality, I am an over-sharing extrovert, so it is difficult to not to do that online. At the same time, I am aware that things have a permanence these days online, that public is so very public... and so I am reluctant to be as open as I might intuitively feel.
And reading this http://thesocietypages.org/socimages/2012/02/23/social-privilege-and-mom-blogging/ made me think about all this as well. What am I doing here? And should my position of relative of social privilege mean that I don't blog? Should it mean that every post should be pointing out how good I have it? Does being a thinking, socially conscious person mean that everything I write should evidence and awareness of my position? Sometimes I think that I spend too much time thinking about this, that it sometimes takes away from the feeling I have in a moment, when I constantly remind myself how lucky I am. I feel like this reminding myself how lucky I am thing came along a few years ago when I decided I was too negative all the time, that I needed to have a great appreciation for things and to be more positive. This blog was part of that motivation. And yet, now, it sometimes feels a bit much. I feel like every positive experience I have, I remind myself how other people might not have it so good. Every negative experience I have, I remind myself how much worse it could be. It's a way of never being emotionally in the moment, of not allowing myself space for whatever feelings I have, since there's always this guilt...
All this feels a bit like the written equivalent to my inclination to over-think things. I want to blog/write with awareness, but also feel free to just write what I think and feel without the hyper analytical slant, which is a bit crippling.