Cottage

Went to a friend's cottage this weekend. It was lovely, lovely. See the photos above. I am trying to focus on the positive, because the negative was pretty negative.

I was driving up on Friday night along the dark, dark highway, and I hit a deer with the car. Luckily, no one was hurt (except of course the deer), and luckily the car wasn't damaged too badly. Nonetheless, it was extremely traumatizing. I have a brother who was injured, and, well, brain damaged after being hit by a car, so needless to say, the first thing I thought of when I felt that dull thud of the deer, was my brother. Very sad. So while I feel bad about the deer, I am thankful that no person was hurt.

It's weird to think that things like this can just happen. It shakes you up to realize how very little control you have in the universe. And that a deer can jump out of the woods in a split second, and that your car can be coming across that path in that moment. It was truly an accident: something that I could not have prevented or anticipated. I think I responded as best I could (swerving, braking, etc.), but that is the most you can hope for in these situations.

Anyway, I tried to stop playing the accident over and over in my brain, and the cottage really was great. Lovely spring weather (I even attempted to swim but it was a little too cold for that). We canoed, and lounged, and played cards. And I love the aesthetic of cottages. So many random, charming knick-knacks and cool old furniture.

Struggling

I am really struggling with some of what I need to talk about in my writing. Struggling with ideas I am not totally comfortable with. Topics I need to touch on that make me feel uneasy and concerned about representing the people who so generously have shared their stories with me.

There's a book I ordered from the library "The Vulnerable Observer: Anthropology that Breaks Your Heart." That's how I feel right now. Not necessarily about the research I have done but about some of the ideas I am talking about. Not knowing where I stand on an issue makes it difficult to write about, yet I avoid examining my feelings. I think this is why sometimes I stall in my writing--not knowing where I stand I simply avoid writing about something--this is not productive. I need to face these ideas even if it makes me uncomfortable and feel somewhat physically queasy. I have often preferred to straddle a fence on a topic, I don't like this about myself but it helps to avoid arguments.

Sometimes I wish I was a cat...

...so mindless and lazy.

Had a lovely, long skype video chat with my friend C who is in Finland. Ahh, the magic of the internet, so wonderful. Would I ever have thought that face to face phone calls would have been possible or were just the made of world of science fiction? I don't know.

Work is progressing at a slow pace, slower than I should be working. But still, I am happy with things, I am hoping the editing stage won't be too crazy, that I am doing all the work now....

Wondering what this blog is really for, or who. What am I even saying on here? Not much of anything.

Listening to: Explosions in the Sky

A photo

A photo from the baptismal font in Salisbury Cathedral. I thought it was so beautiful when we were there last summer. Thinking about where to go this summer for a "honeymoon".... many possibilities, and no decisions yet.

Friends for dinner last night, which was lovely. I can't wait to have a bigger space to have more people over at a time, and to actually all be able to sit down at a table together. I really enjoy cooking for people. It's a great thing, I think, to share food with people.

Happy Mother's Day to all the mum's out there. It's lovely and sunny here though cold. My Mum is across the country and was swimming in the ocean yesterday. Wish I could be with her today for many reasons, some selfish.

Boston

Well, it was all fine. I met some good people and heard some good papers which are already proving to be fruitful to my writing and thinking. Good work. Even though I consider myself an extrovert, man is it tiring and intimidating to be "on" for so much time and talk to so many people I don't know. Geesh. But ultimately I am very glad to have gone.

But, home now and it is lovely. LOVE Toronto. Writing is going well and I am happy. I feel like it was a few months ago that I really started choosing to be happy and content with my life. My own cognitive behavioural therapy and it really worked. Now I think "How could I not be content with my life and where I am at?" I have gotten better about not having an immediate negative response to things, and thinking through my responses to life. And I am happy, it's nice to have made these discoveries about myself and life. Okay, enough psychologizing. In other news, I made another big batch of homemade BBQ sauce (for tofu) and it is delish. Hungry for dinner already.