Thoughts on this blog, on motherhood, etc.

It almost seems silly to write here again. It's been so long I contemplated just scrapping this blog and starting anew. But, no, I will try to stick with it.

Here I am, 4 months into motherhood. As usual, my grandfather's adage: "Most of the things you worry about don't happen", has proven once again to be true. My fears that I would have difficulty with being a mother have not come true. I am enjoying motherhood more than I ever would have thought possible. I prepared myself for the worst: I worried about post-partum depression (since I was indeed depressed for much of my pregnancy), I worried about not attaching to my baby, I worried about having trouble breast feeding, I worried about being traumatized by a scary or painful birth experience, I worried about feeling tied to my baby and trapped, I worried that since my pregnancy was emotionally and physically difficult I would resent my baby. I worried about pretty much anything I could.

So it came as a surprise when so much about mothering came "naturally" to me. I had a "natural" or drug-free home birth. I have followed my intuition and my baby's lead and everything has felt fairly easy, again, almost "natural". The thing is, I pause as I write these words. I feel like saying all this will make it more difficult for those who are having a hard time. Of course, I know that this isn't everyone's experience, it might not even be mine second time around. There is so much out there online about motherhood. So much pressure, so much noise. I read much of it when pregnant and continue to read it: blogs about birth, about pregnancy, about feeding babies, vaccinating (or not), co-sleeping, etc. But I have been trying to fill my brain with more material that is critical of the noise and the expectations. I see why there is so much material, since becoming a mother I too am fascinated by the intensity of this emotional, intellectual, and physical experience.

Spending time at home with baby V, I feel conflicted about how I am spending my time. Is it enough to just hang out with a baby all day? I feel like I need something, another project? As though having a baby isn't enough of a project? There is so much pressure online too, to be productive, to be creative.... I read all kinds of blogs where women are super creative, earning an income making art, being mothers, planning blog-worthy birthday parties for their children, buying/making exquisite toys and clothing for their babies etc. More pressure, more expectations.

I am loving being a mother but also recognize that I need to maintain interests outside of my baby. I need my daughter to grow up seeing a mother who is engaged with the world, who is a person outside of being a mother. So, for now, this blog is going to be about exploring what that looks like for me, as well as what being a parent is. I know, the world doesn't need another "mommy blog", and that's not what I intend this to be.... I am not sure what I intend it to be, but I do want to use it as an outlet for examining some of the many thoughts about this experience.

House

These are the before and after photos of our bedroom. Another yellow room painted grey, you're going to say. What can I say? I like it. It's calming and is a good background for art.

The first photos are the real estate photos with the old owner's stuff.... is that creepy? I forgot to take "before" photos.

The photos of the ocean were taken by L and I when we were on the north coast of California. They make me very happy, and were super affordably enlarged and framed thanks to Apple's photo developing and a cheap framing place nearby.

I'm pretty happy with our room, it's a very calm place, and I'm trying to keep it uncluttered. I feel like good sleeps happen without the distractions of clutter and everyday detritus. I'm also looking forward to hopefully bringing our baby into the world in this room.

A lot has happened in the past 6 months....

... the cherry blossoms are finally out, and have been drifting off the trees for the last few weeks.

.... I've switched jobs, to one I love and feel is a great fit for me and my values about life. We've been slowly making some minor changes to the house. Getting things ready in part because I'm pregnant! Due in 4 months. Very excited but also a little terrified and feeling many emotions that I wasn't prepared for.

I'm going to try and update more regularly. The blog hiatus was in part because the first months of pregnancy had me sleeping any time I wasn't eating or at work. I'm feeling better. It's spring and I've been getting outside more, enjoying mucking about in our tiny garden.

I'm going to do my best to post more often, and will try not to make this blog become solely a mommy blog. That said, I've been wanting a venue to share my concerns and feelings about pregnancy and becoming a parent. I also want this blog to be a space where I can come to focus on the positive things in my life. I will try to make it both.

New House

It's been really too long since I've posted. Well over a month. Anyway, lots has happened. New job, and new house. And you can bet that I'm resolving to be a better blogger in the new year. I really enjoy it actually, it's mostly just a block to a) take photos more regularly, and b) to actually transfer those photos to my computer.

We moved in just over three weeks ago and it's been delightful. Well, mostly. The house is so big compared to our 640 sqft condo. We are definitely short on furniture, but we'll slowly acquire the stuff we need. Why is Toronto craigslist so boring? I see so much more awesome stuff elsewhere... anyway, I'll be keeping my thrifting eye out for furniture, which will be fun, since the last few years have seen us at capacity with no room for new furniture.

One exciting piece in process is a 7 foot long dining table made out of reclaimed Douglas Fir which our friend is building for us. Photos will follow soon.

I will show you a little peek at some progress. The colours in the house are considerably brighter then I would normally choose myself. Especially since the "colours" I would normally choose are grey and white. Ha.

Anyway, here's a before and after of our little front living room. Obviously it's done up a little Christmas-style, but you get the idea.

Party Time

Confetti System kills me. I mean seriously. Makes me want to plan many parties and attempt to create such awesome decorations.

Makes me wish that the greatest store Toronto has ever seen hasn't closed. RIP Balloon King. Hmm, I see that they are having a warehouse sale to get rid of the last of their stuff. Hmmm. Perhaps, now that I have a basement, and thus storage, I should stock up on decorations? That may sound like the musings of a crazy person, but I'm serious.

I leave you with these glorious and ridiculous Balloon King decorations that we used instead of table numbers at our wedding.

I should be packing. Or applying for a job. But here I am blogging about party decorations. This probably surprises no one who knows me.

Monday, November 1st

This weekend I made these cookies. Damn they were good. Like all cookies, they were best straight out of the oven, warm and gooey and crispy on the edges. I took them to a friend's house and we played the card game Euchre. I love playing games.

I was reading the blog written by the owner of the store Bookhou, and saw these amazing bronze cast whales. Seriously, so beautiful. Whales are so incredible. There is an amazing article written by Charles Siebert about whales here. Siebert has a gift for writing about animals, he has also written a few other pieces for the NYT Magazine about animals, one is about elephants, and the other is about abuse and dogs. He interprets research about animals so well, and demonstrates some very human characteristics of animals without anthropomorphizing. His article about whales brought tears to my eyes.

Anyway, I am keeping on keeping on, what with the packing, the job applications, etc. And thinking a lot about the house and what I want to do when we move in. I am thinking about attempting to construct something like this or this on either side of our fireplace in the living room.

Downer

I'm feeling pretty down today. Don't know why, the sun is shining, the leaves are beautiful, and life is pretty good.

I'm just feeling depressed about my job search: 75 jobs applied for, and counting... I thought grad school would really open up possibilities to me. I feel like I have so much to offer and yet I can't even get an interview to convince anyone of how awesome I am.

I went for a drive to run some errands and thought about how much I miss my family.

Thought about how hard it is maintaing relationships with my many siblings, and mostly how much I wish I could help out, or just be there, especially with some seriously difficult stuff going on. I also miss being there for the normal day-to-day stuff. Sunday dinner, casual hang-outs, Fall walks, etc. Some times living across the country is harder than other times, when it doesn't feel as challenging. Sometimes life just feels hard, even though I know that it is so very much harder for most people in the world. Maybe I just mean that it feels emotionally difficult.